Crappy intentions

So I've decided to try and write something every day, stick it on here and see what happens. I guess I want to express things in some way without pressure from anything or body.

I read somewhere that keeping a daily recording of your thoughts and feelings can lead to having better mental health for some reason so that's kind of what I want to do with this blog.

I'm so fucking lonely. Back home I had spent years building up circles of friends, although I was always a bit of a loner I still had plenty of places I could go to if and when I wanted some company. Even when I didn't have much money, there was always a friend within reach who I could just go and chill out with for a couple of hours to get me out of my head space.

But here, I've struggled to meet people I connect with from the start. What with the dissonance I felt between everybody knowing my face, taking the decision not to speak out about the refuge thing or being homeless, I just never trusted anybody enough to allow them to become friends with me. And now I live miles away from town. The bus journey has become a barrier for me and I just don't know how to fix that. I just wish I knew

Whenever I've moved to a new place before meeting people was simple, pop along to the nearest pub or bar, get drunk and eventually I'd find some cool enough people to have fun with. Now it's not so simple, if I do the pub thing I'm worried that I will just become a parody of the drunken fuck up I used to be. I don't want that from my life any more. It's crossed my mind that I've lost whatever zest for life I had, like a skill that slowly gets forgotten, my drive for life feels like it's slowly been draining away over the years. Maybe it's something like a midlife crisis.

In the couple of years before I transitioned, I hid myself away from the world, I withdrew from everybody and it feels like I've never recovered, it's become like a way of life for me and that really annoys me, I never used to be like this, shit needs to change.

Today, take the rubbish bag out, tomorrow the dishes!