Being trans pisses me the fuck off. I left a great life behind when I began my transition, I used to be able to walk down the street and not give a fuck about who would read me, or what their reaction would be, I never had a problem getting a partner, trying to get a job was relatively easy, almost everything was fucking easier. I could just roll out of bed and out the door. Now I have to worry about everything. I just feel so open and vulnerable these days.
Don't get me wrong, I'd never go back but this transition sometimes seems like an insurmountable journey.
Saturday 26 October 2013
Friday 25 October 2013
More meloncholy
I said that I was going to write every day... That's a bit of a fail...
Still it's only been one day that I've missed out of three, counting this one, so I guess that's something.
One thing that's been pissing me off is my job situation. All my life I have just floated along, never really settling into one type of job and the easy jobs to find are just so mind numbingly boring so I just got bored and ended up fucking them up. I've never actually stuck to anything, I feel like I have no substance, nothing to back up who I am apart from the things that come out of my mouth here and now. I get offers to do things and I turn up and say the right things, smile at the right time and on the surface everything seems fine. But underneath, I'm overwhelmed by how everyone else in the room is something, they've been to university, college or have spent years in a job gaining experience. Then I turn up, feeling like an imposter having not spent one day working for years, left school at 16 and nothing to show for myself.
I don't even know hoe to address this situation, I simply don't have the resources to go back to university to study and the jobs that I could get are just so trivial that they would send me into a depression and I fear I would just slip into how I used to be again. Looking at my cv, it's just shite, building jobs, warehouses and bits of work that I've picked up from old mates. How do I even begin to get work doing what I want to do? My motivation just seems to wax and wane every day.
Ah well, sooner or later something will come up.
Still it's only been one day that I've missed out of three, counting this one, so I guess that's something.
One thing that's been pissing me off is my job situation. All my life I have just floated along, never really settling into one type of job and the easy jobs to find are just so mind numbingly boring so I just got bored and ended up fucking them up. I've never actually stuck to anything, I feel like I have no substance, nothing to back up who I am apart from the things that come out of my mouth here and now. I get offers to do things and I turn up and say the right things, smile at the right time and on the surface everything seems fine. But underneath, I'm overwhelmed by how everyone else in the room is something, they've been to university, college or have spent years in a job gaining experience. Then I turn up, feeling like an imposter having not spent one day working for years, left school at 16 and nothing to show for myself.
I don't even know hoe to address this situation, I simply don't have the resources to go back to university to study and the jobs that I could get are just so trivial that they would send me into a depression and I fear I would just slip into how I used to be again. Looking at my cv, it's just shite, building jobs, warehouses and bits of work that I've picked up from old mates. How do I even begin to get work doing what I want to do? My motivation just seems to wax and wane every day.
Ah well, sooner or later something will come up.
Wednesday 23 October 2013
Crappy intentions
So I've decided to try and write something every day, stick it on here and see what happens. I guess I want to express things in some way without pressure from anything or body.
I read somewhere that keeping a daily recording of your thoughts and feelings can lead to having better mental health for some reason so that's kind of what I want to do with this blog.
I'm so fucking lonely. Back home I had spent years building up circles of friends, although I was always a bit of a loner I still had plenty of places I could go to if and when I wanted some company. Even when I didn't have much money, there was always a friend within reach who I could just go and chill out with for a couple of hours to get me out of my head space.
But here, I've struggled to meet people I connect with from the start. What with the dissonance I felt between everybody knowing my face, taking the decision not to speak out about the refuge thing or being homeless, I just never trusted anybody enough to allow them to become friends with me. And now I live miles away from town. The bus journey has become a barrier for me and I just don't know how to fix that. I just wish I knew
Whenever I've moved to a new place before meeting people was simple, pop along to the nearest pub or bar, get drunk and eventually I'd find some cool enough people to have fun with. Now it's not so simple, if I do the pub thing I'm worried that I will just become a parody of the drunken fuck up I used to be. I don't want that from my life any more. It's crossed my mind that I've lost whatever zest for life I had, like a skill that slowly gets forgotten, my drive for life feels like it's slowly been draining away over the years. Maybe it's something like a midlife crisis.
In the couple of years before I transitioned, I hid myself away from the world, I withdrew from everybody and it feels like I've never recovered, it's become like a way of life for me and that really annoys me, I never used to be like this, shit needs to change.
Today, take the rubbish bag out, tomorrow the dishes!
I read somewhere that keeping a daily recording of your thoughts and feelings can lead to having better mental health for some reason so that's kind of what I want to do with this blog.
I'm so fucking lonely. Back home I had spent years building up circles of friends, although I was always a bit of a loner I still had plenty of places I could go to if and when I wanted some company. Even when I didn't have much money, there was always a friend within reach who I could just go and chill out with for a couple of hours to get me out of my head space.
But here, I've struggled to meet people I connect with from the start. What with the dissonance I felt between everybody knowing my face, taking the decision not to speak out about the refuge thing or being homeless, I just never trusted anybody enough to allow them to become friends with me. And now I live miles away from town. The bus journey has become a barrier for me and I just don't know how to fix that. I just wish I knew
Whenever I've moved to a new place before meeting people was simple, pop along to the nearest pub or bar, get drunk and eventually I'd find some cool enough people to have fun with. Now it's not so simple, if I do the pub thing I'm worried that I will just become a parody of the drunken fuck up I used to be. I don't want that from my life any more. It's crossed my mind that I've lost whatever zest for life I had, like a skill that slowly gets forgotten, my drive for life feels like it's slowly been draining away over the years. Maybe it's something like a midlife crisis.
In the couple of years before I transitioned, I hid myself away from the world, I withdrew from everybody and it feels like I've never recovered, it's become like a way of life for me and that really annoys me, I never used to be like this, shit needs to change.
Today, take the rubbish bag out, tomorrow the dishes!
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